CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.