[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Mouse
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
For the baby who has everything
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”