Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.