Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Always 🥴
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone