I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Still a very good boi….
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Put the is in disheveled
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases