[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”