me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later