Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.