Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
The cashier just checked me out.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.