12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
bias laundering edition
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire