My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people