At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.