The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Is this you?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”