[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here