“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*gets down on one knee*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long