[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo