Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
A French press is when you hug naked
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.