You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The news
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.