Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.