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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The sacred texts.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “