aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”