Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.