Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
If you say married people aren鈥檛 having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn鈥檛 this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it鈥檚 time to go to jail.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 馃檪
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Some girl I don鈥檛 even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click