One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
#StillHurts
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”