Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate