*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
#SuperBowl
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling