I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”