Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Seems kinda suspicious
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
This is my favorite one of these!