Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Siri, fight Alexa.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
real
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.