It’s the weekend y’all
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Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me