MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Mornin
Miscakes
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no