*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds