Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Thursday
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.