given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Kids, do not try this at home!
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
How do dragons blow out candles?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”