This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve