Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

I need to update my racial profile.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.