[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?