Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
THIS HEADLINE
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
#Caturday
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I gave up going to work for lent.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…