I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.