[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.