On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
BRAKING NEWS!!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?