Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.