My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’