If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”