It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.