If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.