If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’m listening
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons