[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?