Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”