99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two